Today

Today is different; today is better. I have found relief; I have found peace, a sense of peace and clarity. My heart is healing. My pain a pure memory. I can move on, I can breath deep and let go.

God you give me such strength and wisdom!
You see me through the darkest years.
You show me how to love and manage,
and cast away my doubts and fears.

O Lord I praise You!
You are my Rock, my song!
No matter what trial cometh,
I know that WE will walk along.

Crazy Technology

I have spent most of yesterday reading about and watch videos of the upcoming release of Adobe CS5 (c).  I get so excited about things like that.  And tonight of all nights I read about a leak in Apple's release of its 4G iPhone. So happy and yet sad about it.  Sad because I won't be able to get one because I won't qualify for the upgrade and happy because I love new technology.  If you ask my husband I can just rant for hours about the news up and coming technology for hours. Most of which is all over his head.  If you are like me and would like to hear details about up and coming technology let me know and I will share more! Off to sleep...goodnight all!

I love this stuff

As an Army wife we live in government quarters. They have these hideous hard tiled floors.  Wash with warm soap water let dry and then add a few coats of this! Your floors will look marvelous.  I have always promoted this product because it gives that just buffed shine without the buffer.

Hard Stuff

Sometimes I get very bored being a mom. This may come as a shock, but I meant when my kids are napping. I find this quiet time kind of strange. A time where I can hear myself think. That doesn't happen very often for me. The hardest thing is when there is this silence. The first thing I want to do is call someone and say come over and bring some Dunkin!! Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk and listen.

As an Army Wife I have found it difficult to make friends.  I very rarely fall into a setting where people can meet "wonderful me" and chose to be my friend.  Having three small girls has also made it difficult to say lets go knock on our neighbors door. I am all about friends...why don't I have any then?

Avatar

I can't wait to see this movie.  Steve bought me the video game for my birthday. It was awesome.

These days

Gwen has changed. She started therapy here in February. She is so much stronger now. I know how felt two months ago and that is so far from my mind. I have gone threw some BIG MOMMY moments with Gwen in the last week alone. Gwen started drinking from an open cup! YAY! If you are a mom you know how big a deal that is. Gwen climbed the over the jungle jim steps all by herself (I was her spotter). Yesterday she opened a door all by herself. It has been so long that I have been waiting for these little things to become normal everyday things for Gwen.

The biggest deal was the day I let her go for a walk with her physical therapist while I stayed at the house with Isabella and Calli. I was all for it for the 30 seconds it took them to leave my sight and then full fledged panic overcame me. I could no longer see them and my mind just went off into "WHAT IF's". When they got back I told her sweet therapist that I could not deal with that again. I said next time we will all go for a walk together.

Gwen is really not the same kid she use to be. She wants to be a princess and wear a dress all day long. I asked her if she wanted to wear a pair of pants and she said okay but they needed to be PINK. I offered her a pair of "not pink" pants and her reply to me was a very attitudy "How About NO!" I have gotten that response a few times now. Gwen how about you go lay down on my bed "How About NO!" No matter the kid is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Wouldn't change a thing.

So Frustrated

I wrote this a few months ago but never posted it.

Never in my life have I felt so frustrated. I feel like screaming, cursing and crying all at the same time. After two years of digging a poking and prodding Gwen they still haven't gotten anywhere. With Gwen not much has changed. She talks much better and is much smarter but she is still the same. She is still a kid who can't deal with TOO much going on at one time. She is still the kid who falls about 10 times on a good day and is forced to sit still on a bad day. Oh wait on her bad days she doesn't even like to get up and run around. On a bad day she tucks herself into the couch and says I am tired. She can't deal with 30 minuets of PT yet hates when her teacher has to leave. She is the kid who knows her own limits and collapses into herself when she is overwhelmed. No words, no moving just a funny stare. I have always felt like she was different, special. It has always taken her a few more tries to get things right. A little longer to reach those milestones. But she is persistent and motivated. She loves the feeling of success. Don't we all? She can learn anything. She can do anything her heart desires. At six months I said she is not doing what she should and I was written off "Oh she is fine, she's doing great". At 8 months her older sister was being evaluated for some speech problems which had remedied in the 2 months it took them to see her. At that visit I stated well I am not really concerned about her I am concerned about my daughter Gwendolynn.

This started her evaluation for early intervention. She qualified for speech, and special instruction. At that point she was still pretty much a baby and I never really saw the fatigue. But I did see something to that effect. Her eyes would start going cross eyed and her head would drop and her gaze would move upward. This was when she was tired. Try getting a kid to be tired for the doctor and let them see what you see. It felt like an impossible mission. Another case of "Oh she is fine!" As time went on others began to notice, friends, family and her therapists. At her 1 yr check up she did it for the doctor and the testing started. The doctor was now concerned with her growth and her head and her eyes. She was to have a chromosome test, see the neurologist and the peds ophthalmologist. The eyes were structurally sound, but her funny gaze was most likely the easiest and most comfortable way to see. The neurologist said she had developmental delays and on our second visit said she had cerebral palsy. The kind that makes her weak and floppy, not stiff.

To be continued...